Because of recent revelations that "paling around" with someone who committed a crime or act of terrorism forty years prior can implicate you as a criminal or terrorist, Rich and I have decided to protect our reputation by asking our family members, friends and casual acquaintances to come "clean" with their past.
These individuals are being asked to provide detailed accounts of their activities from conception to present so we can properly surmise whether associating with them could jeopardize our careers and place in society. If you wish to continue to be on our Safe Acquaintance List (SAL), please respond to the following questions:
  1. Have you ever chewed gum and placed it under a school desk or dropped it onto the sidewalk, thereby threatening the integrity of one’s clothing or shoes?
  2. Have you ever coughed, sneezed or gagged without covering your mouth, thereby risking infecting others with your potentially communicable disease?
  3. Have you ever received a ticket or warning, jaywalked or driven above the speed limit? If the answer is "yes," please provide date(s), time(s), street(s) or intersection(s) where the offense(s) occurred, along with a detailed explanation as to why you felt it was necessary to break a rule that were put in place to protect society.
  4. Have you ever sampled a grape in the supermarket to determine it’s sweetness before deciding on what bunch to buy? If the answer is "yes," did you feel any remorse over your theft? Stealing a grape is no different than robbing a bank.
  5. Have your ever killed a living being such as a fly, spider, ant, mouse, gopher or human. If the answer is "yes," please provide date(s), time(s), location(s), along with a detailed account and justification of murder.
  6. Have you ever been undercharged for an item and failed to bring the discrepancy to the attention of a cashier or store management?